The Habit That Makes Love Last

Dr. John Gottman, researcher and relationship expert, has spent decades studying couples in his “Love Lab.” His research shows that the happiest and most lasting relationships share one key behavior: partners consistently turn toward each other, both emotionally and physically. This simple act of connection builds the foundation for trust, closeness, and lasting love.

If turning toward our partners is so effective, why do we not always do it? The reality is that turning away often happens without us realizing it. We are busy, distracted, or focused on ourselves. Sometimes we turn away to protect ourselves when we feel overwhelmed by stress, conflict, or emotional distance. But with intention, we can shift this and create stronger connection.

Understanding Bids for Connection

Every day, partners make bids for connection. These are small gestures that invite closeness. They may seem minor, but they usually carry a deeper emotional need—like wanting support, attention, or comfort.

Picture a moment after an argument. Even if the disagreement is over, the tension may still linger. A bid for connection in that moment might be reaching for a hug, offering a kind word, or suggesting something to do together. Noticing these bids is the first step in strengthening your connection.

Notice Your Partner’s Bids

Bids can be easy to miss, especially when life is full. A comment like “Did you see that sunset?” may sound simple, but it could be an attempt to connect.

This is especially true for parents who are stretched between work, home, and childcare. Long date nights may be rare, but small moments—checking in, sharing a laugh, sending a thoughtful text—can help maintain emotional closeness.

Start to pay attention. Notice the small ways your partner reaches out. Gottman’s research shows that couples who respond to bids with consistency tend to feel more connected and satisfied.

Turn Toward, Not Away

Recognizing bids is important. But what matters most is how you respond. Turning toward your partner does not mean stopping everything or doing something big. Often, a short response, eye contact, or a warm smile is enough.

For example, if your partner starts talking about their day, take a moment to listen. These little responses help build trust and closeness over time. A quick check-in, a kind word, or a light touch can go a long way.

What matters is showing your partner that they matter to you.

Notice When You Turn Away

There will be times when you miss a bid. It happens when you are tired, distracted, or stressed. Turning away can look like ignoring a comment, brushing something off, or reacting with irritation.

When this happens, the important thing is to notice it and repair. You might say, “I’m sorry I snapped earlier. I felt overwhelmed. I want to hear what you were saying.”

If you need space, be direct and clear: “I need some time to myself. I am going to the gym and will be back at 4.” This kind of honesty shows respect and keeps the relationship strong.

Build Your Emotional Bank Account

Every time you respond positively to a bid, you are adding to what Gottman calls the emotional bank account. These small moments add up and help couples get through hard times.

When your partner asks how your day was, take a minute to really answer. Ask about their day too. These small exchanges build a sense of care and support.

Reconnect After Conflict

After an argument, turning toward each other becomes even more important. Emotions may still be high, but small gestures—a hand on the shoulder, a lighthearted comment, offering to make tea—can all be ways to reconnect.

Responding to these bids helps create space for repair. It shows that the relationship matters, even when things are tough.

Turning toward your partner is not a one-time decision. It is a daily practice. It requires awareness and effort. But over time, it creates a relationship where trust and connection can grow. By noticing bids, responding with care, and making repairs when needed, you are building a partnership that can handle the challenges that life brings.