Do You Trust Your Partner?

When we talk about trust in relationships, what do we actually mean? Is it about believing your partner means what they say? That they have integrity and are honest? That they will honor your agreements surrounding commitments and fildelity? I think most people would agree that trust encompasses these elements.

Note: This blog is referring to trust in relationships that have a base of safety and security. If you are in a situation in which there has been significant betrayal that has not been fully processed or healed, what I write about here may not apply to you until you reach later stages of recovery.

I want to suggest that authentic trust creates space and give us the freedom to be fully ourselves with one another. One of my favorite definitions of trust comes from John Gottman:

"Trust refers to each partner knowing that the other partner will be there for them in a host of ways: when they are sad, angry, frightened, humiliated, overweight, underweight, triumphant, defeated, joyous, despairing, sick, broken, helpless, hopeful, dream filled, and so on. Trust is erected by each individual choosing to show up for the other — not perfectly, not every time, but as much as one can."

Trust, along with commitment, is a foundation of every meaningful, long-term relationship. If trust feels unsteady, it is worth taking the time to strengthen it. This may not be easy and it may take time, but it will be worth the effort. Below are eight ideas to help you build trust and become someone who can be trusted. You may want to grab a journal and reflect as you read.

Stop Blaming Your Partner

It only takes one person to begin shifting your dynamic. That person can be you. Instead of focusing only on what your partner has done to weaken trust, take time to look at your own role. Where have you contributed to the distance or disconnection? What would it mean to take responsibility for how you show up now? Taking ownership does not excuse your partner's behavior, but it does allow you to become an active part of the solution.

Measure Your Trust

On a scale from one to ten, how much trust do you currently feel in your relationship? Your answer may change depending on the situation. Maybe it is an eight most of the time, but it drops to a four when your partner travels with a colleague you feel uncomfortable about. Or maybe it rises to a ten after a connected weekend together. Begin to notice when trust rises and falls.

Notice What Builds Trust

Journal about what situations help you feel connected and secure. It could be a vulnerable conversation, laughing together, spending quality time without distractions, a romantic evening, or doing something adventurous together. These are moments that build trust. Take the lead on creating more experiences like this with your partner.

Speak Up

If your partner is frequently engaging in behaviors that feel hurtful or erode trust, you do not need to stay silent. For example, if your partner is extra engaging with others, often arrives late, or does not follow through on promises, it is important that you discuss this openly and respectfully. Speak up with care and clarity. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and concerns. For example, instead of accusing, “How can I trust you when you are always flirting with other women?” try, “When I see you flirting with other women, I feel hurt and scared. I would like to talk about this.” Honest conversations like this can help rebuild trust.

Do the Inner Work

If you find it hard to trust, even when your partner is behaving with integrity, that may be a sign that you have healing work to do. If you have a history, from childhood or previous relationships, that is saturated with lies, secrets, infidelity, or betrayal, you may struggle with trust in your current romantic relationship. It can be tremendously helpful to process these experiences with a therapist. When we bring healing to our past we are more likely feel safe, secure, and trusting in the present.

Understand That You Will Feel Uncertain At Times

Every relationship includes moments of doubt, hurt, insecurity, or anxiety. This is a natural part of loving another person. What matters is what you do during these shaky moments. Do you shut down, withdraw, or lash out? If you and your partner can be present with each other during painful moments and respond with empathy, these moments can actually deepen your connection and trust. If you find that you feel anxious often, this may be a sign that additional support would be helpful.

Check In With Your Partner

Consider asking your partner if you ever act in ways that make it difficult for them to trust you. If you choose to have this conversation, make sure you are both in a connected and grounded space. Respond to each other with openness and respect.

Accept That Trust Takes Time

True trust takes time. It is not something that appears overnight or stays solid without effort. It is built slowly, through consistent actions, honest conversations, and the willingness to keep showing up for each other. Every moment you choose to be present, to repair after conflict, or to share something vulnerable, you are adding to the foundation of trust.

If you want to learn more about trust in relationships, I highly recommend reading the work of John Gottman. Much of the guidance here is based on his research. Trust is not something you either have or do not have, it is something you build, moment by moment, through the way you choose to show up.